After my brain injury, I faced a new reality. I suddenly struggled to remember the simplest things. An appointment, where I had put something or even what I had just said seemed to slip through my fingers like sand.
Losing a sense of control
At first, it was extremely frustrating. You feel vulnerable when you lose control over your memory.
Even a shopping list became a struggle. I could write the list and then forget to take it with me. Appointments and tasks did not stay in my mind, so I was constantly apologising.
The persistent fog in my head sometimes made me feel uncertain and small.
Losing the thread in a conversation
I often felt lost in conversations. Names disappeared, details were gone and sometimes I lost the thread halfway through a sentence.
This affected me deeply, especially during the early years. It felt as though I was no longer entirely myself.
Memory problems are often invisible too. You can look fine on the outside while internally struggling with every detail that refuses to stay. This sometimes led to misunderstanding, particularly from people close to me. That made it even more painful.
My phone as an extension of my memory
Slowly, I found ways to cope. My phone became my best friend. Where I once kept many things in my head, I began recording everything immediately.
Shopping, appointments, tasks, notes and memories I do not want to lose all go into my phone.
At first, that felt like admitting I could no longer manage by myself. I now see it differently. My notes support me and help me live with who I am today.
Not remembering everything, but knowing where it is
I learned to remind myself that using tools is all right. Accepting that your memory has changed is nothing to be ashamed of.
My most important insight became: I do not need to remember everything. I only need to know where I can find it. That brings a great deal of calm.
A tool needs maintenance too
Sometimes I put so much information into my phone that finding something becomes difficult. I am becoming more skilled at managing that too.
Every so often, I organise my notes, remove what I no longer need and restore an overview. After all, an external memory works better when it remains reasonably tidy.