Today I want to discuss a sensitive subject: my love life and my relationship with my former husband. I thought about this for a long time. I still want to share it, because I know many people will recognise something in my story.
Starting again together
My former husband, Mischa, is someone who has always been strong and steady. He is not easily unsettled, and that often gave me something to hold on to during difficult times.
When we lived in Turkey, we depended heavily on each other. That certainly had its advantages. We genuinely needed one another, both practically and emotionally. But when we returned to the Netherlands and had to rebuild our life in Zwolle, I noticed our marriage changing.
The children grew older. Where they had once focused strongly on mum and dad, they began finding their own way. That is normal, but it also meant fewer moments when we were truly together as a family. At the same time, Mischa worked hard. Although I admired that, I felt increasingly lost and lonely.
Not saying how I was really doing
There was another side to the story: I was not always honest about how I felt. I did not want to spoil things by saying I was tired or could no longer manage.
So I kept going, went to bed early or simply fell asleep in front of the television. It was my way of carrying on and avoiding being the “weak link”. But it gradually distanced me further from Mischa and from our life together.
Feeling that I mattered again
The loneliness grew and I struggled to find my place. Then something happened that changed a great deal: I found work as a consultant at Mens en Relatie.
It was a role where I could truly use my strengths. I finally felt that I mattered again, contributed something and had a purpose outside the home and family.
The job gave me new energy and confidence. I could talk to other people again, develop myself and discover a new side of who I was. At the same time, it revealed how stuck I felt in my relationship with Mischa. Work alone did not make the loneliness disappear. More was needed to repair our relationship, and ultimately that proved a bridge too far.
What this period taught me
This period taught me how important honesty is—not only with others, but also with yourself.
It is tempting to always want to be strong, never complain and avoid spoiling the atmosphere. But continually hiding what is really happening inside you can harm both you and your relationship.
For anyone going through a difficult time in a relationship: say how you feel, even when it is hard. Honesty can be painful, but it also opens the door to truly understanding one another.